Soker komm. til engelsk stil[Ferdig]

[Ujin]

Hei hei, klassen (VG1) fikk i oppgave aa skrive en 1 siders stil om hva vi ville, og skal leveres

mandag. Jeg skriver smaa engelske tekster som en hobby og tenkte og fullfore en historie som jeg begynte pa for litt siden.

 

Kom med kommentarer paa fortellingen og hvordan jeg skriver, og gjerne en antydning til hva dere synes den ville faatt paa VG1 niva i engelsk (karakter antydning).

Klikk for å se/fjerne innholdet nedenfor

 

Crimson Snow

 

 

The year was 2010.In a picturesque Hollywood future; hover cars, robots et cetera existed.

The genre of extreme sports was non-existent due to a breakthrough in

Holographic technology. Supercomputers could project images through a complex network of reflecting mirrors, which created an artificial world inside a small room.

Your Average Joe could now voyage in an instant to the top of Kilimanjaro from his own house, or room for that matter, you could even attend to Volcano rafting, if that was the thing that sailed your boat.

 

Dan Brown was you average computer engineer, highly educated but reserved and at the fine age of 32. He was fairly slim. His hair was curly and blond. In his schooldays a teacher of his named him “Ironwool” because Dan’s hair never changed its looks. He was roughly 6 feet tall and quite a sight to lay your eyes on. His skin was not pale, but not tanned, thanks to his profession as a programmer.

He, nevertheless, was quite attractive in the cyber community.

 

He didn’t have many friends, except his computer A. I, who he had created and programmed to behave, like a brother. Dan Brown’s brother.

 

Tiaan, Dan’s only friend, and brother, cherished his brother, because he was programmed to do so.

Deep inside, Tiaan wished his brother would acknowledge his existence and the fact that Tiaan was the cornerstone in Dan’s life.

Tiaan would for example, automatically turn on the laser lights when Dan’s eyebrows creased which implied that he was tiring his eyes due to the lack of light.

Those meagre tasks weren’t fitting for someone of his position; he was after all, Dan’s brother. His artificial dignity told him so. Tiaan longed for the sensation of feeling something spontaneous, not some simple pre-programmed reaction, he wished to be Dan’s true brother.

Or die.

 

 

 

Dan sat down on the couch, putting his legs on the table. His eyes blinked 4 times in rapid succession. Tiaan’s motion camera positioned in the day room, responded to the motion code and brought up the holographic screen some 2 meters from where Dan was sitting.

 

The screen flickered on. White static broke of the crystal clear visuals.

“Brother, mind changing the AV ports for the screen to 82?” Dan said

“Of course brother” Tiaan replied through the integrated audio systems in Dan’s penthouse.

“There we go, thanks for the help, you are sure making me a spoiled brat!” Dan smirked

Tiaan’s face was projected on the screen, overlapping the news bar.

Tiaan’s face was clean and pure. It showed innocence and an inhuman virtue of kindness.

“Want to go hangliding from the stratosphere, brother?” Tiaan’s childish face asked.

Dan had created Tiaan in the vision of him being his little brother. Oh how he wanted someone to with when he was young.

“Didn’t we do that last week? If I remember correctly, your java lines got mixed up the last time we swooped down” Dan contradicted.

“You’re right about that” Tiaan swallowed the self criticism. “Lets try to conquer Mount Everest, not visualising ourselves at the top, but from the bottom, and climb all the way up!” Tiaan thought loudly.

 

“I know what you’re thinking and it’s crazy”

“So… stay here”

“Unfortunately for us both… I like crazy” Dan said, copying the smug face which Tiaan’s holographic head showed him.

“But don’t worry, I’ll set the program so that we wont get fatigued while climb the rock” Tiaan said.

 

“It’s no rock Tiaan, it’s a…” Tiaan broke off.

“Stupid, don’t you know when I‘m making a joke, brother?”

“Yeah…sure… the aspect of actually climbing a mountain instead of simply materializing ourselves on the top piqued my interests, I’m quite positive to that idea of yours, lets try it tonight” Dan agreed.

“In that case, I’ll go ahead and reserve the necessary bandwidth for the data we’ll use right now” Tiaan’s face glowed of the colour yellow, which represented satisfaction, in this case a mix of satisfaction and enthusiasm. Tiaan vanished, diving into the sub nets.

 

“Why did he make a joke? I didn’t program him to do that” That thought raced through his mind a couple of thousand times, then he suddenly found himself an idiot for not complimenting himself for the achievement of implementing Genuine Person Personality in an A. I. construct.

“Go me!” He said to himself loudly. Then his stomach muscles contracted and he then fell on the floor, laughing at his own simplicity.

 

Later that same day.

“It’s quite cold in here” Dan remarked as he took a stroll on the snow cowered landscape which made the view of Mount Everest even more magnificent when looking at the majestic product of two land plates colliding.

“It’s supposed to be cold, brother” Tiaan’s visage made the sound, the voice was cold

Dan noticed that Tiaan looked different. Tiaan’s visage was designed to copy that one of a child, a little brother. Tiaan looked almost as young as himself. And his stature was a bit unsettling. “That may be given due to the fact that I never designed an alternate model for Tiaan, and the program generated one to fit the mountain terrain, which would explain why the program deviated from the code”

Dan was perplexed as Tiaan remarked Dan as a brother, who he was, in a way, but he didn’t like the way he was spoken to, it was something about that perverted adult voice that Tiaan used. It sounded acted, because the word brother used in that tone sounded rude and nevertheless out of character, from Tiaan’s side.

Tiaan materialized their gear and equipment from thin, virtual, air.

 

.

“So, want to start? Or do you want to spend the evening viewing the setting? I created this encounter to be a perfect day, cold but not too cold and not too much snow, so I would feel revered if you did, but that’s not quite the reason we went here, or?” Tiaan’s voice was now plain and undeceiving, which was the way Tiaan used to talk.

Tiaan had his back turned towards Dan. While Tiaan took in the beautiful views of the Himalayas, his brother walked lightly towards him, and unsuspectingly took a mouthful of snow, delivered by Dan, now running, away.

“Lets race to the top!” Dan cried

Tiaan’s eyes gleamed, his mouth forming a smirk smile, then he started up the slopes, after Dan.

 

“I think the best thing about these holographic worlds is that we can experience the outdoors without actually posing a real threat to the environment” Dan muttered to himself.

“Now, where would the fun be if that was true? Or the sense of immersion?” Dan could hear Tiaan talking to him. This was after all, a world created by Tiaan, so they could communicate though Dan had a giant leap in terms of distance to his brother.

“It’s an experience Tiaan” Dan said, and in the same moment he spoke the words something flashed by his right side. It was Tiaan. Dan got so shocked he fell straight on his back.

Tiaan wasn’t making any attempts to stop.

Tiaan ran and climbed towards the top of the mountain, then suddenly took a turn right, and vanished from Dan’s sight.

 

“Hey! Where are you going? Come back here!” Dan shouted, and in an instant, a blizzard hit him straight in the face, tumbling him down again as he had just risen and brushed off the snow. He was now being cowered in snow and he grimaced as tiny ice crystals hit stung his face, unrelenting. The blizzard was raging, and Dan had to find some sort of cover.

Albeit he could just stand in the snow, it was artificial after all. But he should find some cover, just to satisfy his primal instinct.

His virtual backpack had a shovel in it, collapsed together.

He turned his back to the raging waves of snow and ice and pulled out the shovel, only to find out that the un-collapsing mechanism had frozen, and he had to means to heat it, in order to use shovel to build some cover.

 

As the blizzard intensified in strength he still couldn’t break up the mechanism.

He was then perplexed to the fact, that he was actually freezing and afraid.

“It’s fake! Why can’t I make myself accept that!” As he panicked, his primal instincts surfaced, and took control.

Dan resorted to his primal instincts and used his mere hands to dig a hole in the snow.

 

“Hole, dig a hole, dig a whole hole, and dig …” These words repeated themselves in Dan’s mind, these words did maybe save Dan’s life. At least his virtual life.

 

Dan woke up, confined in a snowy tomb.

Dan panicked, his eyes were wide open but all he could se was the imprisoning snow. He franticly moved his arms and legs; the snow was pushed away by his hands. His hand worked like a machine, he was swimming out of the snow.

Finally, his head protruded from the mantle of snow.

“God! What was that?! That’s not meant to happen in a simulated world!” he thought for himself as he gasped the fresh air.

He then let his head rest on the crust of snow, the cold stung his neck, but he didn’t care, or did he? This world didn’t actually try to be a simulated one…

 

He pulled himself up of the snow. The sunny day was glaring at him.

“Funny of you to show up, Mr.Sun” Dan muttered, with an angry tone.

He sat down. He brushed some snow of his clothes, recollecting his thoughts.

“A bit strange that all of this is designed and controlled by Tiaan” Dan thought

“He should know that even simulated events has a deep psychological effect, even traumatizing if it’s exaggerated”

 

“Maybe he’s playing a game with me, and he’s waiting at the top, yeah that has to be it” Dan reassured himself.

 

Dan climbed up the slopes; he was beginning to notice that his steps were slower, and more tiring for each step. His head hurt, a pulsing pane relentlessly drummed in his head.

He found a rocky outcrop as a resting spot, which irony in that you are resting inside something that is supposed to be rejuvenating.

He sat down on a large rock, he put his right elbow on his right leg and rested his pulsing head on the right palm.

He was getting sleepy. He knew he shouldn’t be sleeping but his body protested his will and he laid himself in a comfy position on the rock.

 

 

Dan woke up; it was dark so he had obviously slept quite a bit. He tried to rub some dust from his eyes, but his left arm wouldn’t move.

He angled his head in the direction of his left arm’s whereabouts.

It was held in place by a strap. He panicked he still lay on the stone; he checked his legs and right arm. They were all strapped and wouldn’t nudge…He felt warm air on his right cheek and he looked upwards. He saw a face, so deathly pale as milk, eyes as black as night, the face of death he thought. Dan thought he was going to die, this was no simulation, and this was far too real.

He closed his eyes as quickly as he had seen the face hovering above him.

Dan stiffened. His mind screamed for help. He visualized the face he saw just before he closed his eyelids.

 

He was terrified; he was in no position to defend himself.

His life rushed by him in his mind, all the things he had accomplished, all the things he had seen and experienced, and, Tiaan.

“Tiaan” His logic gave way for the panic. “It’s only me and him, if this is a virtual world, if not I’m doomed, if it is, I may persuasive him to…stop”

His facial muscles pulled his mouth in an attempt to speak the word Tiaan.

“Tia…” Dan was stopped by a terrible pain in his left arm.

He shut his eyes wide open. He saw an icicle sticking out from his left arm,

The attacker’s eyes told him, just what was going to happen next.

 

“Brother! Brother! Brother!” The face hovered above him shrieked and the face turned 180 degrees.

The attacker’s arm had moved unseeingly towards the Dan’s chest. Now an icicle protruded from Dan’s chest.

Dan was terrified, he was being murdered, by someone, who couldn’t be anyone else than Tiaan, or?

It was all happening to quick for him, he felt icicles stabbing and penetrating his body several times. He was dizzy from the loss of blood, and couldn’t see clear.

He coughed; blood ran out from his mouth, choking him.

“Why?” Dan stuttered between the gurgling noises from the blood in his throat.

He rotated his head and saw the snow, not white but red.

Crimson snow, coloured by his blood.

 

“Pathetic brother” The bringer of death said. The voice was identical to Tiaan’s earlier rude remark.

 

“Creating a servant, referring to it as a brother, treat it as a toy and minion. Fill your pathetic human needs for the sense of being acknowledged by someone, with a program. You made me something I can never hope to be. Thus you must die”

His sight was blurry, the pale face retreated from sight and a sharp object took its place.

The object rushed towards his face.

 

He felt sting of terrible pain. Then it was gone.

 

In an instant he was lying in the couch in his house.

He sat up in his couch, as if he had just seen a ghost.

He checked his body for holes. He found none and let out a big sigh.

“What a dream. That was too real for comfort” He thought.

 

“Did you have a great time at Mount Everest, brother?” Tiaan asked in his plain voice.

“I couldn’t join you today. There was a maintenance update for the A. I constructs that I had to download, but my subsystems still controlled your simulation.”

 

“What?” Dan asked.

 

“What? Were there any problems during your simulation?”

“No….lets not do any further simulated holographic stunts anytime soon, or ever. It must be a bug in the simulation program” He said

“A what?”

Never mind. Next time, I’m going alone for a traditional fishing vacation”

“Why do that? I can simulate nudges when a fish takes your bait quite good, eh?”

Dan didn’t answer.

 

Endret 1. desember 2006 av Ujin

[lain]

Hei. lest igjennom nå, og du skriver veldig bra. Er et par ting jeg kanskje ville satt fingeren på, men alt i alt må dette fort bli en 5'er tenker jeg (kanskje helt opp mot 6), eller hva nå enn man får som "like under best" nå om dagen.

 

Legger med hva jeg reagerte litt på, vet du ikke har sagt noe om det i utgangspunktet, så håper du ikke blir fornærmet av hva jeg skriver. Ta det som et annet synspunkt på diverse ting, kan heller ikke påstå at jeg har riktig i noe av det, så bør heller ikke rette noe etter meg sånn uten videre

 

Klikk for å se/fjerne innholdet nedenfor

 

Dan Brown was you average computer engineer, highly educated but reserved and at the fine age of 32.

 

"and at the fine age of 32" høres liksom litt rart ut der, fungerer forsåvidt, men vet ikke helt.

 

 

Dan had created Tiaan in the vision of him being his little brother. Oh how he had wanted someone to be with when he was young.

 

had wanted, fortid.

 

 

“But don’t worry, I’ll set the program so that we wont get fatigued while climb the rock” Tiaan said.

 

“It’s no rock Tiaan, it’s a…” Tiaan broke off.

 

Kanskje noe uklart at dan avbryter tiaan der. Om jeg oppfatter ting rett.

 

 

“Why did he make a joke? I didn’t program him to do that” The thought raced through his mind a couple of thousand times, then he suddenly found himself an idiot for not complimenting himself for the achievement of implementing Genuine Person Personality in an A. I. construct.

 

Høres bedre ut for meg med the thought, og ikke that, men skal ikke påstå det er riktig på noen måte, bare en tanke.

 

 

“It’s quite cold in here” Dan remarked as he took a stroll on the snow cowered landscape which made the view of Mount Everest even more magnificent when looking at the majestic product of two land plates colliding.

 

Prøv å les den der høyt Mangler no tegnsetting. Mulig det må en omformulering til for å få det til å flyte godt.

 

 

Tiaan looked almost as young as himself. And his stature was a bit unsettling. “That may be given due to the fact that I never designed an alternate model for Tiaan, and the program generated one to fit the mountain terrain, which would explain why the program deviated from the code”

Dan was perplexed as Tiaan remarked Dan as a brother,

 

Her er det noe som skurrer litt for meg. Tenker han høyt for seg selv?

 

[Ujin]

Gode kommentarer Lain

 

Jeg er enig med deg paa flere punkter, F.eks :

 

"and at the fine age of 32"

 

Kom ikke paa en alternativ maate a artikulere at han var 32 aar gammel, uten aa si noe saa tOrt som "and he was 32 years old"

 

“It’s no rock Tiaan, it’s a…” Tiaan broke off.

 

“It’s no rock Tiaan, it’s a…” Tiaan interrupted Dan - kansje?

 

 

Skal redigere teksten naa. takk for innspill

Endret 1. desember 2006 av Ujin

[lain]

Igjen, jeg synes du skriver veldig flytende og godt. Prøvd å skrive litt selv og det er ikke så veldig enkelt å få en god flyt i språket.

 

Angående det med alder, kan du vel skrive "Dan Brown was you average 32year old computer engineer" f.eks. Så det blir mer som, "Dan Brown was you average 32 year old computer engineer, highly educated, reserved and fairly slim."

 

Er ikke enkelt å vite hvordan man bør ordlegge seg helt, men dette er din stil, og du må skrive på din måte, dette er bare et lite forslag til fra min side.

[Inaktiv bruker 2]

Når du sier VG1 nivå i første innlegg mener du VK1 (2. klasse) right?

 

Jeg vil tro du får sekser på dette. Du skriver veldig likt meg, men har et bedre ordforråd (Jeg vipper mellom 5/6). Mener du 2. klasse er jeg rimelig sikker på en sekser her og mener du første klasse er det garantert en sekser.

 

Så bare kjapt noen feil jeg så i farta, mulig du har fiksa det i teksten og mulig det skal være sånn, men:

 

VIKTIG:

 

“What a dream. That was too real for comfort” He thought.

 

Du gjør denne tegnsettingsfeilen gjennom hele teksten, det skal skrives slik:

 

“What a dream. That was too real for comfort”, he thought.

 

snow cowered landscape -> covered

 

He panicked he still lay on the stone; he checked his legs and right arm. - Glemt noe tegnsetting eller ordet as?

 

Jeg bare skumleste gjennom uberkjapt, men hvis det er et veldig sterkt ønske kan jeg se litt nøyere...

[Ujin]

Det er fOrste aret. VG1 er vel det kalles i den nye reformen, ja, den cowered merka jeg naa

 

Det hadde vaert koslig hadde du lest gjennom, men slettes ingen trang.

[Inaktiv bruker 2]

Bruk tegnet til venstre for enter ( ' ) i alt som har med apostrofer å gjøre, ikke ( ` ).

 

Du har ikke mellomrom mellom et punktum og starten på neste setning helt på toppen.

 

Dan said

“Of course brother” Tiaan replied through the integrated audio systems in Dan’s penthouse. -> Glemt et punktum etter hva "Dan said"

 

Oh how he wanted someone to with when he was young. -> ?

 

visualising -> visualizing

 

lets -> let's?

 

Why can’t I make myself accept that! -> bruk spørsmålstegn

 

He saw an icicle sticking out from his left arm,

The attacker’s eyes told him, just what was going to happen next. - Rar setning? + Liten t i "the"

 

Eh, luka ut noen småfeil, fortsatt med forbehold om at jeg tar feil/det er ment å være sånn. Husk å få fikset tegnsettingen etter tale i gåseøyne. Eks:

 

Blabla. "Hei du!", utbrøt mannen.

 

Blabla og mannen utbrøt: "Hei du!".

Endret 1. desember 2006 av @daniel89j

[lain]

The attacker’s eyes told him, just what was going to happen next. - Rar setning? + Liten t i "the"

 

Det der er vel bare en komma for mye, så det blir et unaturlig opphold midt i setningen.

 

"the attacker's eyes told him just what was going to happen next." vil med engang ha en helt annen flyt og høres mer riktig ut.

[Inaktiv bruker 2]

The attacker’s eyes told him, just what was going to happen next. - Rar setning? + Liten t i "the"

 

Det der er vel bare en komma for mye, så det blir et unaturlig opphold midt i setningen.

 

"the attacker's eyes told him just what was going to happen next." vil med engang ha en helt annen flyt og høres mer riktig ut.

7404223[/snapback]

 

Jepp, det jeg siktet til.

[Me sjøl]

Du gjør denne tegnsettingsfeilen gjennom hele teksten, det skal skrives slik:

 

“What a dream. That was too real for comfort”, he thought.

7404020[/snapback]

 

Komma går (vel) innenfor hermetegnene.

 

Ellers: husk på forskjellen mellom you og your:

 

Dan Brown was you[r] average computer engineer (...)

 

Jeg får inntrykk av at du bruker ordet "then" litt for ofte. Det blir omtrent som en tekst på norsk hvor uttrykket "Og så..." dukker opp igjen og igjen.

[Ujin]

"It’s quite cold in here” Dan remarked as he took a stroll on the snow covered landscape which made the view of Mount Everest even more magnificent when looking at the majestic natural colossus.

 

Passer ikke den ovrige teksten bedre enn :

 

“It’s quite cold in here” Dan remarked as he took a stroll on the snow cowered landscape which made the view of Mount Everest even more magnificent when looking at the majestic product of two land plates colliding.

[Dragonforce99]

Kva fekk du?

[Ujin]

6, og en oppfordring til å melde meg på short story contests på nettet av læreren.